He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Randomize
