you guys were way drunker than both of me
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
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