oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Bring me that man meat
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
