dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Randomize
