you have to choose: penises or morals?
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
You are the jesus of drinking
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
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