She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Randomize
