Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
