it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
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