Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Randomize
