I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
