I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Couch. On fire.
Randomize
