i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
