She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
