I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
