Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
