4 words: hood of his car
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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