One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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