Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
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