I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
