So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
