then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
