My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
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