Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
