you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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