your parents love me but you hate me
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
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