If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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