You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
