on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
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