so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize
