Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Ladies don't puke and tell
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Randomize
