I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
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