I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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