You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
