My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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