He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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