The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
