she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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