note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
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