What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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