he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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