i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
