i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
