Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Randomize
