I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
