So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
