well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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