I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Lets evaluate? U kissed one boss and lef twith another man. I cock teased the other, hardcore had a tongue jammed down my throat, made out w aa third then left in a cab w alex w them all yelling at me and offering rides. My cheek was also licked and bitten by 2 other men and we almost made out (u and me) because they asked. were hired.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
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