I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
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