You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Every concussion has its silver lining
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
