So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
